"Make me more fruitful and more spiritual, for barrenness is my daily affliction and load."
When the day is over, what have I accomplished? I could go back over my notes from class or my calendar and show you all the things I wrote and understand - even thought that doesn't often amount to much. I could tell you about all the conversations I had and the people that smiled at me. I could tell you about my outfit or the texture of my hair. I could tell you what I bought and the questions I asked in interviews.
None of those things matter to me. I'm past all that. I've suffered a lot from being unhappy lately. I haven't been able to nail down just what it is that is throwing me for a loop. But what I do know is that the physical products of my day do not release me from the lethargy of my soul.
I can only imagine what a barren mother feels like. I'm sure there's tension that fulfilling work is not being completed, that faith is dying, that no one cares and no one sees that something is killing her. I, too, feel empty, hopeless, directionless, forgotten. I feel as though my very being has been robbed of its jubilee.
It's important for me to remember that while I feel barren in my mind and heart, the LORD God is watching over me. And just as the Lord brings forth children, even when the father and mother are both barren, so too will God bring forth life out of my weak breath. I forget this so often.
I'm overwhelmed by my "load" and my depression.
The LORD is GOOD. He sees my barrenness and will give me life. He will bring back a feast of jubilee, forgetting the times I wanted more than I could have. These days of loneliness shall pass. The LORD is present.
